Sexual Abuse
I am Nandini Shah, a 38-year-old mother of 12-year-old Rahil. About a week back, I found out that Rahil had been sexually abused by a cousin who had visited us. Rahil was very scared to tell me this, but when I discovered bite marks on her cheeks, she broke down and narrated the whole story.
I am so distraught that I do not know what to do. Rahil is scared. As it is a family member who is the perpetrator, we cannot approach the legal system also. I am unable to sleep, I have nightmares, and I am in tears the whole day. I do not know how to approach Rahil also. Please advise.
An incident like sexual abuse by a close family member can be heartbreaking for the entire family. At the moment, I think you are dealing with a lot of issues, including:
- The trauma that has occurred to Rahil.
- The long-term effect of this on her.
- The helplessness that you feel regarding not being able to take any action, as it is a family member.
- The anguish of seeing your daughter in a terrible state, which may be difficult for you at a personal level.
- The uncertainty that is now plaguing you regarding whether you will ever be able to put this incident behind you.
But remember, your daughter is watching you very closely. How you react to this whole situation will determine how your daughter feels.
- If you try to shove this whole topic under the carpet, your daughter will feel abandoned and distant.
- You might be scared that if you discuss the thing, it might appear to be making more noise about something that you cannot do a thing about.
- You might not just be able to find the words to talk to Rahil.
Steps to Take
At this time, you have to do the following things:
- Believe in your capacity as a mother.
- Do not feel guilty about the incident; it had nothing to do with your vigilance.
- Your guilt is probably making you feel very depressed, which can cause your child to feel guilty herself.
- Stay focused on fighting the problem.
- The incident is very traumatic, but the more you focus on addressing it, the less helpless you will feel.
- Maintain your daily schedule.
- Do not act as if you are burdened with cleaning this matter from her head.
- In daily activities, plan so that she feels loved and cared for.
- Avoid appearing hypervigilant or overly focused on her.
- Communicate with Rahil.
- Occasionally talk to her about the matter and try to understand how much of its effect has diminished.
- Trust your maternal instincts on how to handle these discussions.
Handling Family Dynamics
Another important issue is managing:
- Distant family members.
- Refrain from discussing the problem with distant family members.
- Limit the discussion to your immediate family, including your husband.
- Interactions with the perpetrator.
- Protect Rahil in all interactions with her cousin at family functions and social occasions.
- Do not let any helplessness show on your face.
Finding Balance
You might find that in this whole process:
- You have become asocial and avoid relatives for fear of the matter coming up.
- Your equilibrium has been disturbed, and you will need to form a new balance.
To regain balance:
- Build new friendships and form a new equilibrium around them.
- Overcome the fear that everyone knows about this incident and is watching you.
Remember, it is the gravity of the situation making you feel paranoid and apprehensive.
