The Husband Father
I am Sujay Khandwala, a 27-year-old businessman. I got married six months ago to Reema, a 24-year-old commerce graduate. It was an arranged marriage, and as she was from Jaipur, we had very little time to know each other before marriage. Today, I am wondering if the marriage was the right choice. I am surprised by some of her behavior. It seems that she is very childish. She gets angry very fast and cools down just as quickly. She is very sarcastic and is always passing comments and criticisms about my work, house, office, and lifestyle. She says that she is completely unaware that she is hurting me in the process. I have to motivate her for everything. I also find that she looks to me to take care of all her problems. As a result, I feel that I do not have a wife but instead a daughter. Please advise.
You are absolutely right, Sujay, that you have found yourself a “wife-daughter.” Reema appears to be a “woman” who has not grown up and is consequently always searching for a father figure in her life. You can literally classify her behavior with you as how she would behave with a parent. Children always have this concept that whatever they may say, the parent would not get hurt by their words or actions. Henceforth, she is completely unaware of the effect of her sarcasm.
Secondly, she may be extremely envious of the life that you have as an adult. Children, when they are forced to face the full impact of the life of the parents and the realization that they are not the center of the parents’ world, get extremely disillusioned, sarcastic, and critical. As she does not have a full life of her own, which includes areas of career, family, friends, individual aspirations, and achievements, it may become difficult for her to tolerate your work and career. She would then be forced to verbally attack this structure of your life. She may also aspire to be a part of your life by wanting to work in your office, have the same friends as you, and make you feel guilty for not including her in your life.
As a couple, there are many activities that should be done together, and the focus should be on activities that benefit the couple rather than just one individual. However, in your case, as the couple is not hierarchically equal, it may create problems. It is more important that the two individuals forming the couple have personal lives as well. Without this, constant interaction can cause the newness of the relationship to wear off faster. You will also notice that with Reema, you may find that you are unable to bring out your own childlike ambitions and are consequently behaving with more maturity than needed—a maturity bordering on the utmost seriousness of a crisis and henceforth destroying your own playfulness. This, in turn, will make you feel under constant pressure, not only at home with her but also outside, as this can become a part of your personality.
What You Can Do
First of all, you must sit down with Reema and explain all these behaviors to her. It is tough, as her childlike mind will not be able to grasp the importance of this talk. Secondly, she may feel abandoned by your support. You could then help her chalk out a personal life that fulfills her desires while you play a supportive role in that. This is so that she can become an equal in the marriage.
You must also find interventions in the form of going out with other couples so that she can have more role models. One of the most important things is to stop feeling anxious about her and her development. Unless she looks into her internal desires, it will always appear to be a burden for you to address her desires, especially if they may directly contradict what you want as a husband. Therefore, allow her to face a little difficulty and adjust to the process of growing up.
She has a very scary view of the world, and as a result, she is unable to come to terms with it. She has refrained from dealing with the world and is pretty content being dependent. Help her face the world and correct her view. Your happiness and the success of your marriage depend on that adjustment.
