WHERE HAS THE ROMANCE GONE?
Nirali lives opposite the Parimal gardens. It was the rainy season, and she spied some young couples enjoying a bhutta on the road. There was a lot of laughing and chirping, giggling and shyness in them, and life seemed without a care.
Suddenly, she became quite nostalgic about her life before her marriage to Saumil. They had been married for over two years now.
The Courtship
It was a whirlwind romance for them after Saumil proposed and she accepted. There were:
- Parties and movies
- Outings and picnics
- Flowers and cards
Saumil would get a gift for her every week. He made sure there was at least one surprise planned for her every Sunday. He made her feel extremely special. Those eight months of courtship were the best time of her life—she did not remember having one bad day during that period.
Saumil was never lacking in attention and was always by her side even before she needed him.
The Change After Marriage
However, things started to change after the honeymoon.
- Saumil started to be increasingly busy with work and had little time for her.
- Outings became a rarity.
- The gifts, cards, and flowers disappeared.
- The final straw came when he even forgot their anniversary.
She is now:
- Eating meals alone
- Waiting for him to come home
- Dressing up for parties that they can never attend because he is either late or too tired
- Stuck in a very dry, mechanical sex life, which seems more about his physical needs rather than love
The hustle and bustle of their courtship has been replaced by an unerring calm.
At the same time, it is not that he does not love her anymore or that there is a romantic liaison elsewhere. Saumil simply does not have her on his priority list anymore. He voices his inability to give her time as his business needs have increased.
His need to be with Nirali has been replaced by his need to be with his business colleagues. Nirali feels lost and confused about what to do about her sagging married life.
The Transition from Romance to Married Life
Right now, Saumil appears to have problems in the transition phase from romantic courtship to a settled married life.
While it is extremely important to establish a work identity in young adulthood, subordinating emotional attachments to career demands can become a source of frustration for the spouse.
Work can become:
- A central activity
- A source of self-esteem
- A way to shift identity from child to adult
Saumil’s time perception has also changed.
Before marriage:
- The future seemed long enough to postpone decisions.
- Mistakes in career could be undone.
- Life felt carefree.
Now:
- He searches for an adult structure and new definitions of career, friends, spouse, and children.
- He is aware of personal time limitations.
However, Saumil has misinterpreted this shift and created an imbalance. His work has become a source of emotional gratification, leading to a relative failure in his marital relationship and neglecting his wife.
What Should Saumil and Nirali Do?
1. Review Commitment to the Relationship
The major dichotomy here is between intimacy and stagnation.
- Saumil has to start experiencing Nirali’s needs and concerns as being as important as his own.
- He needs to transition from youthful experimentation to the desire for intimacy.
- This phase is one of loneliness, as the absence of the committed love felt in childhood is missing.
- Brief displays of love no longer significantly boost self-esteem.
- Having mastered the mechanics of sexual performance, mere repetition no longer provides emotional satisfaction—the desire is for emotional involvement.
2. Form Couple Friendships
- This reflects the newly committed status of marriage.
- However, it is more difficult to form and maintain because four individuals must be compatible, not just two.
- Seek opportunities to make friends with others at the same life stage.
- These relationships can help explain and cushion the pressures of young adult life.
Conclusion
Over time, a long-lasting, mature love relationship becomes a significant organizer of time.
Saumil and Nirali need to:
- Find a special goodness-of-fit between their individual needs, wishes, and expectations.
- Regard this fit as unique and probably irreplaceable.
