Saturday 08-05-2021 – THE ADULT CHILD

Rahul is 27 years old. His daily routine is to get up at 11 a.m. After taking his meal he hangs out with his friends. He plays some sport at a club in the afternoon, spends time with his girl friend in the evening and parties late into the night. He goes to bed by 2 a.m. He spends about Rs. 20,000 every month just doing nothing. His parents want him to join the family business, which Rahul refuses. He is more interested in joining a computer course and making a career in web designing, which his parents refuse. His parents are distraught with his behavior. They grounded him for a week, took away his car and mobile phone, forced him to go to office but yielded when he went on a hunger strike. He simply refuses to talk to them. He feels resentful and negativistic towards his parents. They feel extremely helpless, as nothing seems to work.

Rahul is the perfect example of an adult who is still dependent on his parents even at the age of 27. He has been unable to leave behind the personality of the child that was, and take on the personality of the adult that is still to be. He has been over-indulged. He is not economically or emotionally independent. His parents think that Rahul is impossible, irresponsible, ill-mannered, unpredictable and exasperating. Rahul thinks that his parents are old-fashioned and conservative. Moreover they treat him as a kid and expect him to behave like a grown-up. In that case is his behavior not justified? He is merely launching a protest through his behavior. He sees their punitive measures as unfair and unjust. There are many Rahuls hanging around who need to be helped to get back on course of their lives.

What you can do?

First of all try to make your adult child responsible. Responsibility is like a double-sided coin: on one side are rights and on the other are duties. Your son sees the rights and you view the side with the duties. The problem arises because your son wants the rights without fulfilling his responsibilities. He might feel that he is being asked to do the duties without being given his rights. He wants to take on responsibility on his own terms. He might be frightened about his capabilities to take on the responsibilities. Address his anxieties about his behavior and career. Try and understand that you cannot expect your son to mature suddenly and take on responsibility overnight. All this is a gradual process. It might help if you could keep track of your son’s activities, friends and going-ons without seeming intrusive and inquisitive. Perhaps then you could gently divert and mould your son. Avoid being emotional, angry, unreasonable and dictatorial, as there is every likelihood of your son evading taking on responsibility. Keep your emotions in check. Allow your son to make his own decision. You can help by showing him the alternatives and options. Allow him to make his own mistakes. He will learn from these. Do not live his life for him. Let him know that you believe in him, his ability and capability. A son who is loved and who knows his parents trust him will become responsible. The goal should be for Rahul to start thinking for himself. He should say to himself: `Hey, I have no individuality. I am like all the other guys around trashing my life. Why do I have to follow them blindly? ` This maturation has to come from within. Do not push it. It will be stronger if there is self-discovery. Allow him to mature and help only when asked. You might feel that it is too late to set rules as your son wants to do things in his own way. If the guidance is given in a proper way, it might make your son feel secure, given that the rule makes sense to him. Today’s youngsters are very perceptive. Instead of arguing, try and reason with him. Give him time. Tell him to go and think about things and let you know. Treat him as an adult and this message will appeal to him. Try and be a listener and hear things out before you impose your dogmas. Find a time slot that is convenient to him for discussions. Go about it in a way that is not threatening. Put it like a request and he will not take offence. If said in a calm, non-threatening voice and manner, it will open up avenues for discussion. Sometimes pride and authoritarian stand comes in the way. You will have to watch out and perhaps bend a little. Through free and frank discussions, you could perhaps be your son’s guide or at least be on the road to being one soon. Give your son a sense of belonging. Spend as much time as you can with him so as to build security for him at home. To ridicule his interests as being a waste of time or useless would be damaging to his morale and self-esteem. You could use his interests to open up a meaningful discussion with him and bridge gaps. You might need to budge from your stance and change your concepts about the fact that your son is developing new skills, new views, new attitudes as well as new abilities. Your feeling about your contribution to his financial difficulties should be supportive and not obligatory. You can help by spacing out the money according to his needs. You might want to involve him in family finances and areas of financial concern. It might make him feel that he is a part of the family.

It is a tough situation to be in. All the adjustments to alleviate this situation may have to come from your side as parents. It might make you feel better to know that with the proper approach, this may be only temporary and not permanent. Your son laments that he has to lie on a bed of thorns while you feel that yours is not a bed of roses either. Have a heart. Try and be on the same side as your son and soon you both might appreciate the garden together.