The husband father

I am Sujay Khandwala, a 27 year old businessman. I got married before 6 months to Reema, a 24 year old commerce graduate. It was an arranged marriage and as she was from Jaipur, we had very less time to know each other before marriage. Today, I am wondering if the marriage was a right choice. I am surprised by some of her behaviour. It seems that she is very childish. She gets angry very fast and cools down also very fast. She is very sarcastic and is always passing comments and criticisms about my work, house, office and life-style. She says that she is completely unaware that she is hurting me in the process. I have to motivate her for everything. I also find that she looks towards me to take care of all her problems. As a result, I feel that I do not have a wife, but instead a daughter. Please advise.

You are absolutely right Sujay, that you have found yourself a “wife daughter”. Reema appears to be a “woman” who has not grown up and is consequently always searching for a father figure in her life. You can literally classify her behaviour with you like she would behave with a parent. Children always have this concept that whatever they may say, the parent would not get hurt by their words or actions. Henceforth she is completely unaware of the effect of her sarcasm. Secondly, she may be extremely envious of the life that you have as an adult. Children when they are forced to face the full impact of the life of the parents and the life that does look at them as the centre of the parents’ world, get extremely disillusioned, sarcastic and critical. As she does not have a full life of hers, which includes the areas of career, family, friends, individual aspirations and achievements, it may become difficult for her to tolerate yours work and career. She would be then forced to verbally attack this structure of your life. She may also aspire to be a part of your life by wanting to work in your office, to have the same friends as you and make you feel guilty for not including her in your life. As a couple, there are many activities that should be done together and the focus should be on changing over to the activities that benefit the couple rather than one individual only, but in your case, as the couple is not hierarchically equal, it may create problems. It is more important that the two individuals forming the couple have a personal life also, because if there is a constant interaction, the newness of the relationship wears off faster. You will also notice, that with Reema, you may find that you are unable to bring out your own childlike ambitions and are consequently behaving with more maturity than needed, a maturity bordering on the utmost seriousness of a crisis and henceforth a destruction of your own playfulness. This is in turn will make you feel under constant pressure, not only at home with her but also outside as this can become a part of your personality.

What you can do.

First of all, you must sit down with Reema and explain all these behaviour to her. It is tough, as her childlike mind will not be able to grasp the importance of this talk. Secondly she may feel abandoned of your support. Then you could help her chalk out a personal life that fulfills her desires and you play a supportive role in that. This is so that she can become an equal in the marriage. You must also find out interventions in the form of going out with other couples so that she can have more of role models. One of the most important things is to stop feeling anxious about her and her development. Unless, she looks into her internal desires, it will always appear to be a burden for you to be able to look at her desires, sometimes because they may be directly contrary to what you may want as a husband. Therefore allow her to face a little difficulty and adjust to the process of growing up. She has a very scary view of the world and as a result she is unable to come to terms with it. She has refrained from dealing with the world and is pretty content being dependent. So, help her face the world and correct her view. Your happiness and success of her marriage depends on that adjustment.