Sexual abuse

I am Nandini Shah, a 38 year old mother of 12 year old Rahil. About a week back, I found out that Rahil had been sexually abused by a cousin who had visited us. Rahil was very scared to tell me this, but when I discovered bite marks on her cheeks, she broke down and narrated the whole story. I am so distraught that I do not know what to do. Rahil is scared. As it is a family member, who is the perpetrator, we cannot approach the legal system also. I am unable to sleep, I have nightmares and am in tears the whole day. I do not know how to approach Rahil also. Please advice.

An incident like sexual abuse by a close family member can be heartbreaking for the entire family. At the moment I think you are dealing with a lot of issues including the trauma that has occurred to Rahil, the long-term effect of this on her, the helplessness that you feel regarding not being able to take any action as it is a family member, the anguish of seeing your daughter in a terrible state which may be difficult for you at a personal level and the uncertainty that is now plaguing you regarding whether you will be ever able to put this incident behind you. But remember, that your daughter is watching you very closely. How you react to this whole situation will determine as to how your daughter feels. If you try to shove this whole topic under the carpet, your daughter will feel abandoned and distant. You might be scared that if you discuss the thing, it might appear to be making more noise about something that you cannot do a thing about. You might not just be able to find the words to talk to Rahil. At this time, you have to do the following things. Firstly, you must believe in your capacity as a mother to look after your child. Do not feel guilty about the incident and that it had nothing to do with your vigilance. Your guilt is probably making you feel very very depressed. Your depression can cause your child to feel very guilty herself. The incident is very traumatic, so it is an uphill task not to feel any negative emotion from this incidence or to feel positive in the face of such anguish. However, the more you are focused on fighting this problem, you will feel less helpless. The most important thing to do is not to disturb your daily schedule for this matter. You should not act as if you are saddled with the burden of cleaning up this matter from her head. In the daily activities, you should be able to plan so that she feels loved and cared for. Also do not go overboard in the sense of appearing to be hypervigilant about her and to have eyes only for her. As regards this issue, it is important to know what the impact of this incident has been on her. You may talk to her occasionally about this matter and try to elicit how much of its effect has diminished. You may feel very confused about how to react, but trust your maternal instincts around this. The other important issue is how to handle distant family members, family members who are connected to the cousin who perpetrated this problem and the inevitable interaction between Rahil and her cousin at family functions and social occasions. Well, it is extremely important that you are able to protect Rahil in all these interactions and not let any helplessness show on your face. Refrain from any discussion of this problem with any distant family member, do not worry, it will not cause any disgrace in your image. Limit the discussion to your and your husband’s immediate family only. The benefit that you gain by this is hardly worth the damage caused. You might find that in this whole process, you have become very asocial and hardly go out or meet the relatives for the sake of this matter coming up. Yes, your equilibrium has been disturbed and can never regain the older equilibrium back. You will have to find new friends and form a new equilibrium around them. Also, you will have to get over the fear that everyone knows about this and is constantly watching you for signs of betrayal of this knowledge. It is only the gravity of the situation that is making you so paranoid and apprehensive.