Saturday 24-07-2021 – The subjugated mother

My sister, Amisha, 28 years old, lives in Pune. Her husband, Sandeep, a businessman is a very dominating person. They have a small child, Priya, who is just 2 years old. Amisha is unable to adapt to Sandeep’s dominance and is always in a state of dissatisfaction. Due to this, she is unable to take care of her child, as she should. She is occupied with the differences between Sandeep and her and as a result, I think, Priya is being neglected. Priya has turned into a very resistant child and is becoming difficult to handle. This then leads to a lot of pampering and spoiling Priya. How can the situation between them resolved?

Amisha feels that running the house and home making is not a career by choice, but a drudgery that she is relegated to. In this situation, it is natural for her to dislike her tasks. No one can be content with a subordinate position. She does not look forward to mothering and does not regard it as a creative and interesting activity. In this family, the harmony of the married life is destroyed as Amisha’s role is undervalued. As a result, she finds it difficult to apply herself properly to developing the skill, care, understanding and sympathy that are so necessary if children are to be given a favorable start in life. The mother plays by far, the most important role in the life of the early infant. From the moment of birth, the baby seeks to bond with the child and the mother is the first social bridge of the baby to the society. Every tendency that is exhibited has been adapted, trained, educated and remolded by the mother. Her skill, or lack of skill influences all the child’s potentialities. She can only acquire these skills if she is interested in her child and concerned with winning her affection and securing her welfare. If she is not interested, she will be clumsy and the baby will resist because she finds the experience unpleasant. This is the same feeling that Amisha has for the house and has been successful in making Priya have that feeling. Her feeling of being undervalued and being treated as secondary has leaded her to feel a loss of dignity. She is often preoccupied with proving her personal superiority; and from this point of view, the children can only be a nuisance and a distraction. She is repressed and unhappy in her married life and that prevents her from bonding properly with her children. She has succumbed to a sense of hopelessness and despair because she is confused and worried by her circumstances. She probably feels too exhausted with all her efforts. She is often tempted to press Priya into the service of her goal of personal superiority. She also may try to make Priya wholly dependent on her and control her life so that she will always remain bound to her. She may also pamper and spoil Priya thus making it hard for her to develop independence. If Amisha is only concerned with interesting Priya in herself, later on Priya will resent all attempts to mix with the world and will always look for support from her mother and feel hostile to anyone she regards as competing for her attention. The result is that Priya then desires and proceeds to subjugate the mother. She wants to have complete control of her and make her into a servant. Thus the full circle is completed, but with a difference. Amisha has succeeded in recreating the similar situation in her life as in the beginning of the marriage that of a subjugated position, but here the person subjugating her is also within her control and dependent on her. This is an artificial situation created out of marital disharmony. Whenever Priya is in a situation where she can no longer be close to Amisha, there is trouble. She will bitterly resent any separation from her. An incalculable amount of stress and useless effort would be spared in this world if we realize this situation. 

What to do?

The focus is on Sandeep. His role in this situation is every bit important as Amisha’s role. He must prove himself a good companion to his wife and must take part on equal footing with his partner in the care and protection of the family. He should not upstage Amisha’s role in the family. It is not his task to dethrone her but to work with her. It is especially important to emphasize that even if the financial support of the family does come through him, it is still a matter of sharing. He should not make it appear that he does all the giving and others all the receiving. Our culture has overemphasized the privileged position of the man and that in consequence, when he married Amisha, she was probably afraid of being dominated and being put in an inferior position. He should interest himself in the same things as his partner and make her welfare his own spontaneous aim. It is not only affection that proves interest; he must also take pleasure in pleasuring his wife. It is only when this happens that Amisha can let go of the need to control Priya. The love of Sandeep becomes a model for Amisha to become one to Priya. With her needs of equality being met, she probably can help Priya to get interested in Sandeep, the rest of the family and then the world. She can stop all those activities that were directed at keeping Priya to herself. This can help lower the pampering and spoiling and help her at a later life.