KYUNKI BAHU BHI KABHI SAAS HOGI
Scene 1:
It is 10:40 p.m., Thursday evening. Hema and her whole family are watching the popular serial Kyunki Saas Bhi Kabhi Bahu Thi. After that episode, there is a discussion about the conflicts between Tulsi, the daughter-in-law, and Savita, the mother-in-law. A hot discussion ensues between Hema and her mother-in-law, Gita, ending in Gita making a snide remark about Hema and Hema walking off in tears.
Scene 2:
It is 9:30 p.m., Sunday evening. Hema is with a group of her friends, all indulging verbally in their respective mothers-in-law bashing. Each one is trying to outdo the other in relating incidents where they feel they have been wronged and are nursing their wounds.
Scene 3:
It is 2:30 p.m., Monday afternoon. Gita is in a kitty party where she and her friends are discussing the demerits of serials like Kyunki Saas Bhi Kabhi Bahu Thi because of its impact in making their daughters-in-law more verbose and bold. They are aghast at the very comparison of their own days as daughters-in-law when they could not even dare to look into their mothers-in-law’s eyes, forget talking back to them.
The Strained Relationship
Why is the relationship between a mother-in-law and a daughter-in-law viewed with such fear, apprehension, and hatred? Why is it the butt of many a nasty joke or anecdote?
Why does either one of them appear to be a villain: either a mother-in-law who treats her daughter-in-law like a slave or a daughter-in-law who boots the mother-in-law and has her husband wrapped around her little finger?
The truth is that our depiction of all these as absolute and all-pervasive is far from reality. In-laws—be it daughters-in-law or mothers-in-law, sons-in-law or fathers-in-law—are all human beings.
It is indeed a pity that even before marriage, minds are poisoned against these relationships, thereby conditioning one’s mind to look for distorted views of any incident that fits into such a villainous image. The consequence is that all four end up having messed-up relationships. The marriage then becomes a battleground for the family to get back at each other.
It is sometimes difficult to understand that just a matter of making small adjustments with patience and tact can make life simpler and happier, rather than trying to change people and their attitudes. Such an adjustment is not a compromise; it is wisdom.
What a Daughter-in-Law Can Do
- Understand the Challenge:
Living with in-laws is a tough balancing act. With practice and patience, you can master it. It requires lots of tact, good humor, and maturity to make family relationships work. - Maintain a Good Relationship:
The initial goal is not necessarily to love your in-laws but to have a good working relationship with them. - Keep Family Matters Private:
Every home has its share of problems. There is no point in discussing your family problems with outsiders. Work on them yourself instead of cribbing about your in-laws, unless seeking constructive guidance. - Be Discreet:
A common mistake is to burden your own mother with every small detail of your husband’s home. Learn to maintain your in-laws’ self-respect. Do not flaunt your father’s wealth or make them feel inadequate about affording your tastes. - Self-Analysis:
Periodically analyze your role in quarrels. Try to find out if there is something you can correct without feeling that you are the only one making compromises. A change in perspective can also change the nature of disagreements. - Ending Conflicts:
It is sometimes difficult to know who started a conflict, but if you wish, you can always put an end to it. Learn to keep your head cool and not get provoked at the slightest friction. - Give and Take:
A relationship thrives on mutual effort. Small gifts, errands, or kind wishes can work wonders. They make the other person feel appreciated and keep channels of communication open. - Husband’s Relationship with His Mother:
You might fear that the closeness between your husband and his mother will interfere with your independence. Understand that both you and your mother-in-law have your own special place in the family—there is no competition for your husband’s attention. - Avoid Blame:
Do not blame your mother-in-law’s parenting for what your husband is. If he is thwarted from being a good son, he will have problems being a good husband too. - Encourage Grandparent-Grandchild Bonding:
Some daughters-in-law use their children to get back at their in-laws. This is counterproductive and harmful for the children. - Pick Your Battles Wisely:
Let go of small things. There is no sense in losing your peace of mind over minor battles. Save your energy for really important issues—matters of life and death, or issues that compromise your integrity and honesty. - Don’t Let Squabbles Affect You:
If you let constant squabbling get to you, you will likely be stressed and unhappy. - Know When to Take a Stand:
If you feel that your politeness is being mistaken for weakness and you are being taken for granted, then it may be time to stop being a doormat. Be as fair and patient as possible, but if there is no letting up from the other side, take steps to rectify the situation. - Find a Solution:
Find a way to put an end to unnecessary unpleasantness. When things get tough, don’t let them drag you down.
The Key to a Harmonious Relationship
Greatness comes out of service. You do not need a degree to serve—only a heart full of grace. The hardest of hearts can melt with unwavering good faith.
