This is the 2nd part of the article published last week. It addresses the issues of conflicts between couples. Last week we addressed certain behavioral interventions that a wife could make in order to restore balance in the relationship. This week, let us look at what changes the husband could make in order to have a better relationship.

Understanding Marital Conflicts

It is true that marital conflicts are inevitable. Pure love is a fantasy, and love is always admixtured with hatred. To experience intensity in the marriage, a love-hate relationship that peaks and ebbs is necessary. The only problem is that couples then get swayed and lose control.

It is becoming increasingly difficult for young couples to maintain the vigorous demands of faith and fidelity in today’s seductive world. Normal marital relationships are often boring and monotonous. The familiarity decreases passion; some have difficulty connecting marital sexual activity to erotic scripts in adolescence.

Also:

• The biological drive decreases.
• Men take longer to reach orgasm, with a longer refractory period.
• Women need more stimulation to reach orgasm.
• After a while, sexual activity becomes placid and more out of physical need than love.
• There is a decrease in the frequency of sexual activity, which depends more on male interest.
• Many men shift their attention toward their careers.
• There is a deeroticization of women because of the wife-mother role.

This may lead many men to experience marriage as a burden.

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What the Husband Can Do

A simple rule is to think big, listen more, talk less, concentrate more, be honest, use nice words, and have patience.

You may feel that it is almost impossible to make your wife happy, or perhaps it is only possible in the first year of marriage or late (retirement years) in life. What you may require is a better understanding of your wife. Managing and making your wife happy is an art and not a science.

Listening and Understanding

A common tendency is to agree with her, do exactly as you wish to, and in case you are caught red-handed, say sorry. This may breed duplicity and mistrust in you.

If you do whatever she wants first, doing your own thing may become much more peaceful. You could ask your wife every morning about what tasks she would like finished in the day. Completing those tasks properly shows that you care.

One of the common complaints she may have is that you do not listen to her. You might have a tendency to rush in and fix things with good advice, but often, you may fail to spend time looking at the problem from her perspective.

• You do not listen with the intent to understand but with the intent to reply.
• You see things from your own view, filtering everything, and reading your own autobiography into her life.
• If she senses that the technique you are employing is devoid of character and relationship base, she wonders why you are doing it, what your motives are, and does not open up to you.

You should listen with your eyes and listen for feelings. Pay attention to:

• Body language
• Meaning
• Behavior
• Sense and emotions

You should intuit and feel. Whenever you talk, you have to talk based on your character.

Building Trust and Communication

Character and radiance build trust. If behavior flows naturally, then she can trust you. She will feel safe enough to express experiences and tender feelings.

Unless you understand her situation and feelings, you won’t know how to advise or counsel her. Even though she knows she needs what you could tell her, she may:

• Be angry and defensive
• Feel guilty and afraid to be influenced

Handling Mistakes and Daily Life

You should also learn to admit your mistakes gracefully. Mistakes are the best teachers, and you may benefit from each incident. Find out the basic reason for the unhappiness because it does not matter who was right and who was wrong—eventually, both get hurt.

You may feel that decision-making is extremely tough for your wife, as her perennial question is what to cook for dinner. Being asked daily about what should be cooked might irritate you.

• You may be sad that your wife is not perfect. It is better to accept the bad points and allow yourself to enjoy the good points.
• Encourage her to become a hero once in a while, do some social work, and enjoy the limelight.
• Give her compliments and appreciate what you might have taken for granted so far.

Patience and Emotional Support

• Do not retaliate when she shouts at you. Be her punching bag, and eventually, you will profit.
• You are the only person in the world who will take it. This will give her a tremendous sense of security in the marriage.
• When she explodes over seemingly small lapses on your part, ignore the outbursts and give her time.
• This might be more valuable than expensive presents.
• Do something for your wife without expecting gratitude. Do it for the inner joy that you will have.

Setting Boundaries and Maintaining Love

• Occasionally, you might have to say no. When you do, do it firmly but gracefully.
• This will help you maintain her trust in your judgments and reliability.
• The final thing is that you need to love your wife, every minute.

Perform the little courtesies and acknowledge her with grace, and you will have a very happy life.

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The Importance of Communication and Time

The best way for couples is to:

• Spend time with each other
• Increase effective communication
• Understand the limitations of the partner

Divorces are messy, traumatic for both partners and their families and often leave an unremovable stain for either partner.

Of course, some marriages will break because they were never meant to be made in the first place and were forced on the couple. Sometimes, divorce may be the appropriate solution to marital problems.

If the decision is thoughtful and not impulsive, then it can help the couple to effect a humane and sensible end to the marital deadlock—for the sake of their own mental health and for the children.

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