LOST IN OWN WORLD
Sandeep is a 24 year-old student of commerce aspiring to be a chartered accountant. He has failed to clear his intermediate examinations even on his seventh attempt. Like all previous attempts he has an excuse – this time it was the disturbance caused by repair work in his house for a couple of days prior to his examinations an this had distracted him. This is true for most of his interactions in his life. He boasts of being able to do most of the tasks, but when faced with the challenges, he fails to live up to his claims. He has plenty of acquaintances but no true close friend. He has not been able to excel in any area of life but is often preoccupied with fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, beauty or ideal love.
Sandeep is our budding narcissist. For such people, there is often a grandiose sense of self-importance. He routinely overestimates his abilities and inflates his accomplishments. Not only does he appear pretentious, he quietly assumes that others attribute the same value to his efforts as he does and is painfully hurt if the expected admiration is not forthcoming. He frequently expects to be recognized as superior, special or unique. He seeks and unduly attributes unique, perfect or gifted qualities to those who assist him. This is because his own self-esteem is enhanced by the idealized value he assigns to those whom he associates with. He is often preoccupied with fantasies that confirm and support his grandiosity or the sense of being superior, special or unique. He also has a sense of entitlement that is evident in his unreasonable expectations of especially favorable treatment or immediate fulfillment of his wants. He also assumes that his priorities are so important or otherwise special that others should defer to them. His lack of sensitivity to the needs and wants of others contributes to his exploitation of others. He often expects great dedication and overwork from his servants without regard for the effects on his servant’s life. He often initiates friendships and romantic relationships only with those whom he considers able to advance his purposes or otherwise enhance his self-esteem. He is unable to recognize the desires, subjective experiences and feelings of others and has no interest in them. He does not reciprocate the interest that others show in him due to disdain for others or self-preoccupation. It reflects a generally unemotional and cold style of interpersonal involvement. He egocentrically values others for what they can provide and believes that, to survive, he needs to extort whatever he can. Sometimes when such behavior is associated with pleasure over the problems that he has caused to others, malevolence and cruelty become manifest. He often feels envious of others, begrudging them their successes or possessions. He is particularly prone to feel that he deserves the achievements, admiration and privileges of others. He is often arrogant and haughty, snobbish and condescending. His vulnerable self-esteem makes him particularly sensitive to injury from criticism, defeat and rejection. Often there are sustained feelings of shame, painful humiliation and hollowness, which lead to social withdrawal or rageful counterattacks. His relationships are often impaired due to lack of sensitivity for others. Often a lack of fidelity, loyalty and honesty prevents him from having a mutually satisfactory relationship. Indeed, although his apparent self-confidence and glib assurances may be appealing, his inability to offer heartfelt or meaningful disclosures about his motives and feelings becomes an unacceptable obstacle to those who seek intimacy. His evasion of obligations and betrayal of promises are inconsistent with an ability to function well as a spouse. It is often difficult to distinguish dishonesty from shallowness. He may state his good intentions and then fail to do so, either because it is a calculated wish to deceive or because of lack of capacity to subordinate his wishes to others’ needs. Although his overwhelming ambition and confidence may lead to high achievement, his performance may be disrupted by his intolerance of criticism and defeat. There is an unwillingness to take risks in situations where defeat is possible. Often there is a failure to conform to social norms with resort to deceit for personal profit or pleasure. There may be a failure to plan because he is extremely lost in his present. There is an apparent consistent irresponsibility as indicated by repeated failure to sustain consistent work or honor financial and social obligations. There is also a lack of remorse on hurting or mistreating others.
What to do for Sandeep?
In the short run, this defensive pride can become severe in response to failures or rejections and can diminish in the context of achieving success or durable relationships. If the limitations become apparent, then he can lapse into a state of depression. The best help for him is to find relationships in which he can let his feelings of fantasized grandiosity evaporate. A gradual disillusion can then develop through a very understanding friend or partner. His self-sufficiency needs and lack of genuine relatedness have to be addressed. He has to strike a balance between the desire to stay in a fantasized world or idealized relationship and the desire to confront his low self-esteem. He has to develop concern for others and loyalty and affection in relationships. If he can find a meaningful attachment, then he can probably challenge his own deceptions, glib and manipulativeness. A intense structure that can confront the tendency to rationalize irresponsible and exploitative behavior, denial or minimization of the consequences of his acts and manipulation of others with a superficial glib and charm needs to be put on a daily and immediate basis. This may help him to exert control over his actions. Sandeep has a readiness to react to an immediate situation and an ability to seduce, which is very welcome in a crisis situation, but behind the superficiality and exploitativeness the inner experiences are very flat and barren. These have to be addressed and the world around him must appear to him to be full of love and care and accepting whatever his qualities may be.
