THE SANDWICH GENERATION
Radha is 40 years old, a MBA manager working in a multinational soft-drink company. She has a husband who is 43 years old, a well-known chartered accountant, a son14 years and daughter 10 years old. She is the only child of her parents. Her father, now 68 years old lives alone in his big house and her mother died a year back. A look at a day in Radha’s life invokes an extreme amount of pity for her. She wake up at 5.00 a.m., cooks breakfasts and finishes her household work. Then she cooks food for lunch tiffins for her husband and herself, sends her children to school and goes to work herself. After office is over at 6.00 p.m. she directly goes to her father’s house and spends about two hours with him, inquiring about his day and looking after his needs. She is his only emotional resource left. She is back by 8.00 p.m., cooks dinner and finishes off the leftover household work. She then spends some time with her children for their studies, and at 11.00 p.m. barely gets to say a few words to her husband before she plonks into her bed – a tired rag.
Radha belongs to the “sandwich generation” – the adult children sandwiched between the needs of their parents and the needs of their children. Most dependence needs of elderly parents are being fulfilled by their adult children, especially their daughters. Caring for elderly parents raises numerous psychological issues for the adult children. At some point of life, the elderly parents become less able to care for themselves and role reversal occurs. The child becomes the parent of the parent, increasingly fulfilling the functions of physical and mental caregiver. The basic nurturing role fulfilled by her mother is now fallen into the hands of Radha. She is his friend, confidant, protector and advisor. She not only has to make him mourn the loss; but also offer comfort and care, behavior and feelings with which he was always awkward. This brings guilt, resentment and some anger. It is painful for Radha to see the change in her relationship with her father. She has seen him to be very vital and strong, working from day to night and now she has to help him in small tasks like that of a small child. Once in a while she can see the same spark back in his eyes, but it does not last long. This also forces her to anticipate his death, thus stimulating the ongoing process of psychological separation from him. She is ridden with guilt that she is not able to spend adequate time with him in this twilight of his life. She desperately tries to bring variety into his life but is thwarted by the limitations of his physical and cognitive health. At the same time Radha also has to engage in looking after her children. They are in a very vulnerable adolescent age and demand a lot of attention. She is constantly running here and there to fulfill their requirements, which never seem to end. As a result of this, her life and her intimacy with her husband seems to put in a cold storage.
What should Radha do?
Firstly Radha has to integrate everything under one roof. The option is to try and convince her father to live with her. This would not only help her to save spending special time with him, but also look after him in a better fashion. It will be like a full family again. This will allow her father to engage with love and devotion for his grandchildren. Both these generations have an intense developmental need for fusion with the “middle” generation and clamor for attention as they face the challenges of life. Her children need to be refueled before venturing out into the ever-expanding world beckoning them beyond the symbiotic bond and her father faces the collapse of the world and the great-unknown void beyond the end of mortal existence. This full family life would serve as a buffer for him against the stings of old age and the inevitability of death and give him a chance for magical repair of his life through genetic immortality. The children could serve as a partial replacement for family members and connect old age to childhood themes. A word of caution that the attraction to the grandchildren might not be all consuming, nor need it replace in importance or preference to other matters. This could probably be a source of conflict between the generations. While this is going on, Radha probably needs to start taking personal time out for herself. A day off in a week is a must if she is to carry out these activities for a long period. There has to be some personal time out for her so that she can fulfill the goals that you set for her. She must plan some entertainment so that she can have a change from the drudgery of this monotonous caretaker life. She has to push her children towards independence and shouldering an appropriate burden of care of the family. With her father she could work to structure a new relationship that is more complex than that existed when she was younger, she becomes more nurturing and tender and he adopts qualities that she has relinquished. After some period of psychic dislocation, he will, in all probability, accommodate to the changes in her and him and shape the energies liberated by this role reversal into new executive capacities without losing his identity as a father.
Parents die, children grow, leave and return with new family members. You have to accept this without despair and set realistic goals and priorities that will increase the chances for personal happiness and satisfaction. You probably have realized the limited importance of each individual. This painful recognition will stimulate you to become a mature individual and seek fulfillment in each moment, to define what is truly important and to plan the future to actualize those priorities.
