Saturday 18-12-2021 – Parent counseling III

This is a continuation of the previous two articles about the guidelines for parent counseling. 

Often it happens that parents find themselves ambivalent about how to interact with the child. They end up either scolding the child for their own inability to become strict or end up being harsh with the child in a manner that destroys the image of the parents in the child’s mind. The aim then is for the parents to become confident enough so that they can insist on good behavior in the first place, in a friendly but firm manner – to stay in control of the situation – so that there is no reason to become exasperated. If the parents resolve to insist on cooperativeness and agreeableness, there are bound to be clashes at first, but if they are firm for a week, they are usually delighted to see how much happier the child has become. This relieves them of some of their guilt, convinces them that they are on the right track and makes it easier for them to make further progress. The downward whirlpool is turned into an upward spiral. Parenting is a strange mixture of stress and joys. You are tense when you are watching them, worrying and correcting, much more than necessary, and away from them, you feel overcome by feelings of pride and love. It is not the exception but the rule when good parents worry and correct. Eventually, though you begin to lose your direct control over your children, you will find love and trust in you growing. 

These fundamentals about parent counseling are just guidelines. The personality of each parent, their morals and ethics and the cultural backgrounds will play a huge role in the parenting also. You also have to understand that no two children are alike and consequently no two parents can rear their children in the same manner. You will have to individualize your actions for each child. You always cannot be with your children. Once they go out, they will have to fend for themselves. Train them to the best of your abilities, equip them and brief them and you have done the best you could. There is nothing in the world you can do including worrying. As your child grows up, he might make some mistakes. Do not force his trust. Convince him by your behavior and your words that you have his happiness at heart. Let him experience the benefits of following your advice and the pitfalls of disregarding it. Give him the best education. Do nothing of which he may be ashamed. Comfort him when he gets hurt or is feeling low. Give him the best smiles life can offer and be there to hold them if he ever stumbles. When there are tears, he should be confident that you would be there to wipe them away. As your son grows up, he will develop his own self-correcting devices, which evolve naturally through education, training and exposure. Admit your own mistakes and this will make him wiser.  Nagging your son is the result of muddled-up thinking, wrong priorities and mental mess-up. You only end up magnifying small things into big things. Life is all about making and taking decisions-when to get up, what to wear, what to ear and so on. Overprotecting your child is in fact harming him. Send him on small errands outside the house and encourage him to do things in the house. The early he starts taking decisions, he is likely to make wiser and better decisions later. It is a great mistake to put your child off with falsehoods and nonsense when his growing powers of observation and discrimination excite in them the desire to know about things. Mix equal doses of affection and discipline. Most parenting workshops are child-centered and emphasize that a child basically wants to behave well and will behave well if he is handled wisely, thus making parents responsible for everything that goes wrong. Parents feel it extremely burdensome, discouraging and oppressive. However most parents who are caught in this situation feel that it will be a lot faster, better if they can get outside assistance. This is where psychiatrists come in. A professional counselor can help you get back the logic of development which can be sometimes lost when the biases towards the child has increased a lot and is determining the behavior to a large extent. However, a vigilant parent and a vigilant teacher can pick up the signs much earlier and help.