Mother suffering from illness

I am Jaimin Shah, a 31 year old businessman living in a joint family. My wife Kirti has been diagnosed with a mental illness (bipolar mood disorder) which the psychiatrist says is going to be life long and can be treated but never cured. Her behaviour is acceptable for the major part of the time, but once in a while she gets an episode and then it is very difficult to control her. Over a period of time, due to the experiences of the episodes, we are able to control her in a very short time. The major problem comes in the area of my daughter Mili who is 5 years old. Kirti beats Mili everyday on some or the other pretext. As Kirti is very short-tempered because of her illness, taking care of Mili is very taxing for her. I am considering putting her in a hostel for her own good. I am concerned about Mili. What should I do?

What you are experiencing Jaimin, is a common but very serious problem faced by the families of mentally disturbed patients. The mental illness, especially something serious like bipolar mood disorder does, to a large extent undermine a person’s capacity for motherhood or in any other relationship. As the emotional resonance is lost, it becomes a grave situation where bringing up a child is concerned. Kirti is not equipped to take the best care of Mili because of her illness. She may not be able to be empathic to the child’s vulnerability as her own vulnerability has not been taken care of. Secondly, her intolerant temper and impulsivity may blind her to the mistakes of the child that appear out of lack of knowledge. The child can be extremely frightened of the mother as there can be no certainty expected by the child from the mother regarding its care and upbringing. When she herself is going through the problems of development, if Mili does not have the strong support of the mother she can find it very difficult to adjust. The other impact is on the physical abuse and verbal abuse. Firstly, as the mother also loves the child, Mili might feel that to express physical violence is part of love and that it is justified. Henceforth, she herself may also indulge in such a behavior. Secondly, it may also happen that if the physical abuse takes place in very sensitive areas of the child’s development, it may undermine her self-esteem and cause a severe dent to her self-image which may be difficult to correct later on. In the case of an established mental illness of the mother, it becomes very important for the family to converge around helping the patient and also the small child. Firstly, other family members must jump to the rescue by playing a more active part in the child’s care. No task should be attributed to Kirti, which might cause her to be stressed and henceforth resort to abuse. There should always be a family member around who can protect Mili should such a situation arise. All family members should understand that Kirti is doing this out of a situation of illness and not as a voluntary choice. So blaming her and asking her to change her behaviour, is not going to help the situation. The second thing is to decrease the domestic pressures on Kirti so that she can help in the care of Mili in a relaxed manner. Everyone may need to understand that Mili’s parenting takes precedence over domestic chores. You, as the husband and as a father may have to play a very important role – balancing the relationships between your parents and your wife and child, balancing the relationship between your wife and your daughter and balancing the situation between your wife’s illness and her normal behaviour. The last task is about Mili’s education. Complex tasks are going to be more difficult for Kirti to handle. The first thing is whether any family member or you are willing to take up this responsibility. If yes, the problem may be easier solved. If not, considering a hostel may be actually a very good idea. Putting Mili in a hostel may also help her with her disciplinary guidelines as well. It may also help her to see a life which is not as chaotic as her home. This situation, in the formative years of her life may actually help her accept her mother as she is and not get enraged later for tainting her life.