Marriage choice

I am Manan, a 27-year-old, IT professional, working in the U.S. I had gone to the U.S. before 5 years to study for my masters and have been working there since 2 years. I have come to India to get engaged to get married. I have a good relationship with my parents and family. I have been in and out of relationships both in India and in the U.S. I met Mira in the U.S. 4 months back. We have a good relationship going between us. I told my parents that I want to marry her and they did not voice any objections but asked me to come to India and then decide. I came here 3 weeks back. My parents said that while the final decision is on me, I should just look at a few girls that they had in mind. Mira is a settled IT professional in the U.S., from Delhi and in the U.S. since the last 10 years, straightforward and adjusting, emotionally sensitive and understanding, very devoted to the relationship, mentally stable, and cool. From my experience of my relationships, she is more mature and the kind of partner that I want to have in the hectic life of the U.S. However, she is 2 years elder than me and 2 inches taller, average-looking, and wheatish. Although I have never considered this important, and am comfortable, my parents brought this to my notice and indicated that I should rethink this over, as it was a question of my entire life. They also showed me Nidhi’s photograph. She is 25 years old, good height, extremely fair, smart, and intelligent, an M.D. from AIIMS wishing to settle in the U.S. there is no doubt that she is gorgeous and would make me feel proud when in her company. However, I do not know whether she is as emotionally warm as Mira and whether she will make me feel as special as Mira does. My parents do not impose anything on me. They suggest that I should meet other girls also; maybe I will find someone beautiful as well as emotional understanding. I should not compromise so much. I am in a very confused state right now. I ponder, think, and argue. Heart versus the mind. Parents versus myself. Society versus the individual. Nidhi versus Mira. Pros versus cons. What should I do?

It is very clear from your predicament, Manan, that although you are 27 years old in age, you have not matured mentally. Your thinking process is magical – a childlike process. Firstly, it appears that you think that beauty and brains/heart are mutually exclusive. It is a very amateurish way of thinking. Secondly, you feel that you would not be able to get both; therefore, you may be attuned to only seeing one quality in a person. It may prevent you from seeing the person as a whole and may make you see her only as either being beautiful or as being emotional. Sometimes, this kind of attitude and perceptions come from the way you look at yourself. You might feel that with Mira, you can be emotional and have a depth relationship, while with Nidhi, you are going to have a glamorous, yet superficial relationship. The question is not about making a choice, but about how you see yourself. The next thing is that you are looking at either of the girls in order to fulfill some needs in you. You are not a fully independent person. You will always be trying to look at the girls as an embodiment of qualities rather than a whole person. This will make you inflexible and henceforth when faced with such a choice, you run into a predicament because you have come up against two of your basic needs and it seems difficult to let go of either.

What you should do.

Manan, firstly you need to grow up and start looking at yourself as a whole person. This will bring you in touch with your deficiencies. Then, you must start addressing those difficulties yourself instead of putting them onto someone else even in the name of marriage. If you go through the pain of either overcoming your desires or compromising on them, you will be able to understand the pain that it might take the other people to overcome their deficiencies. Try and resolve the conflicts you have around your looks and your emotional needs yourself. This will make you look at both Nidhi and Mira as totally different people. You understand, that it was only because you were unable to look at Mira as a whole person other than just an emotional sounding board, that you were and tempted and did meet Nidhi. If you had just found your whole love in Mira, you would not have wanted to even consider the whole rigmarole. Secondly, greed is unlimited. If you find both beauty and emotional depth, you will want talent and brains, after that, it is taste, money, poise, confidence, and a whole list of adjectives. You will never know where to stop. To accept your own deficiencies and you will accept those of others. To complete the topic, your parents are also advised to treat you like an adult and not like a kid. They are showing girls to you like buying a toy; you look at various shops and then decide what to buy. Even though it is under the guise of giving you the freedom to choose, they are playing on your temptations and not advising you for your growth. Veiled with care and concern, you may feel very guilty not considering their advice, but first your growth has to be addressed and then the choice of marriage.