Marital Discord
Marriages are made in heaven and lived in hell.
Vikram, a 30 year old pharmaceutical manager and Richa, 28, a software programmer fight bitterly every day since the past 1 year and the escalation came with Vikram threatening violence and Richa considering divorce after 2 years of marriage. They are living under the same roof but not talking to each other since 1 month. Vikram feels that Richa has now become a burden on him and that he gets no pleasure from his marriage. She does not care for him and does not do enough for him. On the other hand Richa feels that it would be difficult for her to bend to Vikram, as he is unrelenting in his demands.
Today more and more marital conflicts are coming to the fore. Miscommunication between partners, methods of solving disputes, attitudes towards childbearing and child-rearing, relationships with in-laws, social life, finances and sexual interaction are the contributing factors. Adjustment to marital roles can be a problem if the partners are of different backgrounds and have been raised with different value systems. There are some cases of unconsummated marriages for a period of several years also. The cause maybe of uninformed and inhibited sexuality, overt stress by parents, over dependence on primary families, religious orthodoxy, distorted concepts about sexual organs and shame. The effects of the quarrels in the house also affect the whole families. The changing identities of men and women have played a role in increasing conflicts. The women have a better self-image and have emerged from their dependent and subjugated status. Men, however resist giving up the benefits they enjoy in the dominant position. With the women contributing directly to the financial support, the economic responsibility weighing on the men is being relieved and they are asked to be more nurturing and to participate more in the running of the home. That has resulted in a peculiar position of male authority being eroded and more stress on couples. It actually takes very little to make the marriage work.
What you as Richa can do:
The happiness of marriage comes through the happiness of both partners. The first task is to become happy yourself otherwise it would be difficult for you to make your husband happy. Learn to enjoy your household chores, your work and your family. Every husband likes to be pampered and spoiled by his wife, though on the outside he would act like the man of the family. So pamper him by doing small things for him-this can make him feel loved and cared for. Do small things well and eventually these will make the difference in everything marriage has to offer. Ensure that small conflicts do not get magnified. Nip it in the bud before it starts making a difference. Every husband attaches great value to his parents. Respecting them is priceless in making your husband happy. He may accept insults and humiliations easily only because he does not want to retaliate and create a fight. Have confidence in your husband; this will encourage him instead of him feeling nagged. Go along with him and be his partner in his dreams. Do not let your inhibitions get in your way. Talk to him intelligently. Appreciate any gesture from your husband instead of bringing its usefulness into it. Make a rule not to complain to your husband for one hour after he comes home. You could help your husband relax. Long working hours have got nothing to do with being a tough husband and a tough father. A balance between work and family is a priority. Guide your husband to share his time by setting goals for him. In real-life there are no quick-fix solutions. You have to get to the heart of the problem. Help your husband clear his doubts and fears. Look for fundamental problems and find simple solutions. Ignore the obvious solutions, as they would already have been thought over. You can help him slow down and enjoy what you have. You could encourage your husband to share his concerns with you. Try solving the silly difficulties of the day yourself instead of burdening him with it. Needs can be met, greed cannot. Try and stay away from temptations. You could do sit down with him every Sunday morning and try to evaluate your relationship during the week. This will help both of you to resolve your differences when you are not pressed for time. You can look at each other’s behavior, what went wrong and what was done in the heat of the moment. It will allow you to forgive each other, clear the misunderstandings and make up. To err is human; to forgive is human too. You will then be able to enjoy the simple pleasures of life. Do not compare your husband to other husbands. Not only will it not help, it will make him more protective and defensive about his attitudes. If you think that there is some problem that your husband has, complaining about it will not help. Shouting, bickering and getting angry will only make it worse. Think about it in a cool manner, put yourself in his shoes and get a solution. Encourage your husband to remain truthful even if it means living with less luxury. Do not take your husband for granted. Ask your husband for a feedback and give one yourself. It will always help to make things easier. If your husband has any vices of smoking, drinking or overeating, support him to wean away from it. He is grown up enough to understand what is good and what is not good for himself and his family. Help him restore his dignity and self-confidence and he may realize that he is going in the wrong direction. Nagging or complaining will only decrease his self-esteem and make him avoid you and instead stick to his vices. Creating a scene everyday would not help. Remember: A good wife is the one who kills the mosquitoes herself and asks her husband only to kill the tigers.
