Managing Sibling Rivalry
Nita’s Dilemma
Nita, 30 years old, a competent software engineer, is completely baffled managing her two children – 6-year-old Mit and 3-year-old Jaina. Mit has recently started going to school and feels very superior about his activities. He calls his sister a slob, dumb, and slow. Jaina throws a tantrum, which is met with a push or pinch from Mit. Nita, in turn, slaps Mit and consoles Jaina. This now results in Mit turning away from Nita and calling her biased and unloving.
Understanding Sibling Rivalry
The intensity of sibling fighting and arguing – not just in the early childhood years but in later life – takes many parents by surprise. It destroys their idyllic fantasy of blissful family life. They may feel that it reflects some failure on their part. No parent feels entirely adequate to more than one child. When children get into a struggle, parents feel that they must protect one or the other. They quickly make any situation into a triangle. The children’s rivalry is fueled by the parents getting involved.
Rivalry and competitiveness between children are common, natural, and understandable. It would be unusual when children do not argue with each other. In each family, the rivalry is expressed in different ways, and the preferred method and style of fighting will change as years pass. Much of the fighting has to do with the children’s feelings about their place in the family—i.e., their place in their parent’s love, affection, respect, and approval.
If siblings feel irritated, hostile, or jealous, they often express that hostility without inhibition. The personality of each sibling may be different, and there would be clashes according to differing aptitudes. Close familiarity and enforced intimacy bring plenty of tensions. Boredom may make one child provoke the other to liven up the scene. Keeping them actively involved and interested in things can keep the quarreling level low.
Wanting to be in control is another reason. The energy of competitive drive can encourage rivalry. If competition is healthy, it develops a sense of self-confidence. However, if overdone, it loses its significance and turns bitter. The rivalry is most intense under age five and declines when both are at school, where they have a wider world of friends and activities and more distractions from each other.
Arguments teach children a lot. At the very least, they are learning about someone else’s point of view, and eventually, they will have to take that point of view into account.
What You Can Do
- Avoid Labeling & Comparisons: Avoid name-calling or labeling either child as sloppy or slow, anxious or lazy—even if done affectionately. If the other child does that, take him aside and point out that it is hurtful and unfair to keep referring to that trait.
- Encourage Positive Reinforcement: Praise the wounded child for all positive things and reassure him. Encourage him when the other child is not there. Avoid comparisons about looks, success at school, achievements, or talents.
- Foster Cooperation: Try to get the help of the older child for the younger one. Doing things together will make the attachment between them grow. On the other hand, ensure that the older child also gets his privacy and that the younger one does not take up all his time.
- Teach the Value of Sharing & Boundaries: Learning to share is important, but it is also important for every child to have some possessions of their own. If the children are close in age and resent sharing things, getting duplicates (for small items) will help.
- Avoid Projecting Your Own Experiences: One mistake that parents may make is to see what is happening between their children in terms of what happened to them as a child. Parents tend to be more empathetic with the child who has the same sibling position that they experienced.
- Recognize Gender Differences: Differences in gender roles and expectations expressed by the parents can underlie sibling rivalry. However, it is your child’s individuality and sense of self that is important.
- Intervene Wisely: Intervention between children who are fighting is an art. Even with skilled detective work, it is difficult to ‘fit the blame.’ Your involvement increases the hope of both kids that you will take their side, and thus your intervention may actually encourage more quarreling. Also, if you settle their arguments for them, they do not learn to sort out things for themselves.
- Allow Conflict Resolution: Learn to leave them alone to resolve issues between themselves. However, ensure that one child is not being exploited all the time. Turning a blind eye to bullying and teasing that causes distress will not work.
- Encourage Communication: Encourage them to communicate with each other and understand the other’s point of view. Listen to both of them, not just one, keeping your responses neutral and non-judgmental. Avoid taking sides. Keeping them apart may work if they are spending too much time together.
- Set Clear Rules Against Physical Violence: Physical aggression is a special issue. There has to be a clear directive against physical violence. This is difficult to maintain in households where there is domestic violence—husbands beating wives or parents beating children. Physical depiction of frustration is then taken as an acceptable form of expression.
- Enforce Zero Tolerance for Hitting: Whoever started it, hitting should not be tolerated, nor should deliberate destruction of others’ belongings. There should be no vagueness about this rule, and it should apply to the whole family.
Long-Term Perspective on Sibling Relationships
Sibling arguments and quarrels can seem trivial, endless, and very irritating for parents. However, as people grow older, they often experience a desire to reconnect with brothers and sisters, and they may make great efforts to resolve long-standing sibling conflicts.
Learning to live with others in a family is one of the most important learning opportunities that anyone can have. As a parent, you may worry too much about protecting a child from feelings of rivalry. However, the ideal approach is to teach a child how to feel responsible for their sibling and the family’s well-being.
Learning responsibility for others may come from taking care of a sibling. Most important of all, as a parent, you should keep a sense of humor—and realize that these quarrels will decrease over time.
There is a light at the end of the tunnel.
