HUSBAND IN HEAVEN, HELL ON EARTH
Advertisement in the SUNDAY TIMES – Matrimonial Supplement –
Extremely beautiful 5’5’’, highly sophisticated, Ahmedabad based, Hindu lady of 34 years, widowed, with one son, seeks Hindu alliance up to 40 years minimum 5’10’’ highly educated, cultured, dignified established professional/businessman or industrialist. Reply photo and biodata to Box No. A547B, Times of India, Ahmedabad, or kamya_34@yahoo.com
Every Sunday there are hundreds of such advertisements. It is difficult to understand the pain in the lives of these people even though the advertisements may appear to be very glossy. One such lady is Kamya. Kamya is a 34 year-old commerce graduate living with her in-laws and her 12 year-old son Rohit. Her husband died 3 years ago in a car accident. For Kamya these 3 years of life have been a roller coaster of emotions. The first year was one of bereavement and the whole family supported her to come through the tragedy. After that the behavior of her in-laws began to change. Certain aloofness began to creep in. Small matters turned into areas of major disagreements. Kamya could sense that she no longer enjoyed equal status as a family member. On the other hand, her son Rohit was doted over. Kamya felt left out of the family. Today Kamya is very confused about her life and about what she can do to maintain her dignity and pride in life.
Widowhood at a young age has always been a very big problem because the Indian society is very harsh in dealing with this aspect of life. The problems faced by Kamya are manifold. She is now in a spot of financial difficulty. As long as her husband was alive, money was flowing in without any problem. She could get what she wanted within a reasonable range of demands. Now even her most basic needs are frowned upon. She feels that she is viewed as a burden on the family. Her family members scrutinize all her activities. Even her relationship with her son is invaded. She is already in trouble trying to fulfill the double roles of both the parents. In trying to decrease Rohit’s need of a father, she has lost her nature of being a mother. As a result Rohit feels that his mother is always scolding him, while his grandparents and uncle adore him. This creates a rift between Kamya and her in-laws regarding Rohit. She has become very sensitive about disciplining him. It is difficult for her to reprimand him on anything as her in-laws always protect him. As a consequence of this, she is criticized as being too strict with a child who has no father. This is a double blow for her; no husband and now losing her son also. One of the major questions that she faces is about work. Kamya has always been a homemaker. She had never envisaged that she would be working in order to make a living. She did her commerce graduation and pursued further studies aimlessly, waiting to get married, and dropped her studies once she got married. She was very happy looking after her house and family. Now that same family and house are beginning to haunt her. She knows that it is an uphill task getting a job on her qualifications. Also, her in-laws are also against her working outside the house. They argue that there is enough to do at home and besides that, it would be a stigma for the family if their daughter-in-law worked outside. They are afraid that she will not be able to exercise a constraint on herself (Read that as their own fears about the loss of control that they have on her).
All of us live in a state of emotional equilibrium in our every day life. We establish our own boundaries for expressing and experiencing happiness, sadness, anger and excitement. Occasionally stressors will stretch those boundaries but adequate coping mechanisms help to deal with the stress. Death of a spouse disrupts this equilibrium to such an extent that it is difficult to establish a sense of balance in life. A new equilibrium has to be established with new boundaries and new definitions. The range of emotions is constricted warding off pleasure and pain equally. Often this is a defense against feeling the full impact of the loss that she is facing. Kamya is beginning to realize that not only has she lost her husband, but also her very status and existence in the society is now dead. Kamya’s social life is non-existent. Earlier she along with her husband used to go a movie and eat at a restaurant every week. There were social gatherings, friends, parties and celebrations. Now all that is a distant past. Family occasions or events are the only source of meeting new people. The friends she had earlier now are busy with their own lives, if they go out she faces problems of commuting and financial difficulties. She cannot even dream of taking a vacation. She is often tempted to go and live with her parents. They have been very supportive of her but she feels very guilty of taking their help. The question that she constantly asks herself is about what options she has now. Since the last few months, the question of remarriage has also been revolving in her mind. She has realized that she needs human companionship and warmth. She needs a relationship where she can open up her heart and be empathized with; given encouragement to live life again instead of being given advises to exercise restraint. She has gotten out of the guilt that she felt since her husband’s death. She now has the courage to look at her life. There was a sense of suspension of reality. And since the time that she has opened up her eyes to this new reality, anxiety has set in. The phase of shock, disbelief and denial of the death is now over and her mind is trying to frame an unthreatening interpretation of the evidence it perceives. Turmoil of emotions is now taking her over. She has now realized her helpless state of dependency on others, a circumstance that she had never imagined before.
What should Kamya do?
Please send in your feedback at signsoflife@indiatimes.com
We will take Kamya’s responses next week.
